Apr 13, 2012

Urgent Serenity


I hope this posting finds you all well.

I hate that I waited so long to write again, as that was not my plan. But lately, a lot of things have not been "my plan" and although I try to go with the flow, I just haven't been flowing so easily lately.

As exciting as life can be at times for me, I have noticed for quite a while now that something is amiss. 

No, "amiss" isn't the right word, because the word "amiss" means, that something is wrong. Nothing is wrong in my life. But lately, for many months actually, my life has felt ....hmmmm....what is the right word?

I can't think of just one word to describe how I have been feeling for some time now, so I will borrow a phrase of how a good friend of mine is feeling as well: I am feeling of late like a square peg not fitting into a round hole.

And the thing is, I don't really care about fitting into the round hole. In fact, the round hole doesn't even really interest me at this point. I am not even sure I am square shaped...but whatever shape, it ain't fitten'. And that is what is throwing me off a bit, I think. I've never been one to try to fit in a group, but I usually find some joy in going with the flow, so to speak. But for some time now, I just find myself not really going with the flow, nor really wanting to. Sorta feel like bucking the system...

I find myself more and more lately enjoying being on the sidelines, doing my own thing and not really wanting to participate in keeping up with the group. Whatever that "group" may be. 

At first I thought maybe my interest were changing (or evolving), but after giving this some great thought, and time, I realized, that wasn't it. I still enjoy what I do and I still write and photograph, create, and so on.

Then I thought maybe I was feeling like a square peg not fitting in a round hole because of quite a few big disappointments in my life lately and some major hurts. But that wasn't it. And then I thought, hormones? Maybe...but it is more than that. I then really hurt my knee, and I am getting an MRI, and I haven't been very mobile, and I thought, maybe that put me in a funk mood, but then, I realized it wasn't that either.

It wasn't those things because I am looking forward, not backwards. Like I said, nothing is amiss. I am just feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. 

But you might be asking, "Where is this 'anywhere' she keeps talking about?" By "anywhere" I mean anywhere that is out there in the world. I know I must not be the only one who has felt this way at one time or another. I know there are times we may feel melancholy for the "good ole days" and feel like we don't fit in. Or maybe we don't feel like we fit in sometimes because technology has taken over and we just miss having front porches where REAL people actually walked across the street and sat down and spoke face to face...those  moments I get and understand, and I think we all have those moments of not feeling like we fit in and feel disconnected with the world.

But those are not the feelings I am describing when I tell you that these past months I feel like a square peg not fitting in a round hole; nor am I interested in the hole itself. 

The feeling I am talking about when I say I am square peg that doesn't fit in a round hole has taken me quite a few months to finally pinpoint it, but I think I got it. What I finally realized is that the "hole" that I am no longer interested in, nor fitting in, is the supposed urgency of it all...

...there seems to be (to me at least) a relentless urgent energy "out there" to be fresh, to be new, to be "it" and to just be, be, be....and everything is just so urgent. All the time. And I have no interest in this constant urgency. 

Am I crazy? Or does anyone else feel this negative, urgent energy?

We, as a culture, talk all the time about slowing down, but in reality, we never do - ever. And in our arena (creative arena...crafts, design, art, cooking, writing, photography, sewing, ....) it seems that there is always, always something going on that someone (everyone!) must be a part of (to get our name out there) and to get our product/idea/name known. 

Trust me, I totally get it, understand it, done, know it, and am not blind to the reality of the business. And there is nothing wrong with that at all; I will still continue to involve myself in  projects or events that I find interesting or want to fit into my schedule that I enjoy. 

But I guess where I don't fit in (nor want to) is this ridiculous sense of urgency of constantly wanting/needing/hoping/looking/digging for the next whatever. It just doesn't fit with who I am at this season in my life. What I have learned with time is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching for the shiny stuff (or in my case...the distressed stuff... :-)

But it just seems to me that while reaching out for the shiny stuff, there is all this constant supposed urgency to get more, do more, be more, have more, no matter what! It seems to be "out there" all the time and I find it draining, while it used to energize me as it does so many other people - hence the square peg and round hole. I feel this urgency is somehow so different now than it was several years ago on a different level. It has a draining, pushy vibe to me...

For a long time, I used to think that maybe I was just burnt out from it all. In fact, I had several people tell me this, and I began to believe them. But I knew better. I knew the difference between tired and burnt out. But I wasn't tired either. I was happy...but just not interested in fitting in anymore and I was definitely not burnt out. Then I thought maybe it was my age. But then last summer I worked long and hard hours on the book in the heat, and I was so passionate about it, I knew I still had the energy and excitement that I did 15 years ago, so it isn't an age thing...

So what was going on? I pondered for months.

I am not one to accept not knowing what is going on and not one to sit around without answers. I very much lack patience. That is probably my worst character flaw, I think. I think God is really working on that flaw these past months. I sorta feel sorry for Him...I am a tough case.

So if you stuck with me this far, then I am guessing you either are going through something similar, or, you are just curious to what I finally am going to end up saying....me too. I am curious how this post will end as well.

Well, the title of this post is: Urgent Serenity

Serenity means: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

And that right there, folks, is where my living is incongruent with what I am feeling is "out there." I have no interest in the moment in being a part of all the urgency of doing, being, reporting, and becoming whatever the next best latest and greatest whatever "out there" is dictating, proclaiming, or exclaiming "it" to be. 

The title of this post is an oxymoron.  My life these past months, I believe, has been one as well. I believe, after much pondering, I have been urgently seeking serenity in my life.

Now, aint that a kick in the butt?

Urgently seeking serenity?  That is like planning spontaneity. 

So, why am I sharing this? Well, for a couple of reasons. First, I like you. No, actually, I really love you (a lot) and I figured that if I am feeling this stuff, then maybe someone out there is too and they won't feel so alone and may actually be okay with being a square peg right now as well. 

Also, not wanting to "play ball" with the group is okay too. Whatever or whomever that group may be, they can go hang on their own for a while. You can go do your thing and feel really good about it. Who cares what is supposedly so urgent "out there" that you supposedly must do to keep up so you will fit in...you may want to slow down and think if you really are still interested in fitting in with that group in the first place...you decide, not them.

Secondly, I am sharing because during my months of wondering what was going on inside my peabrain, I did discover several neat things along the way.

Like I said in the beginning, nothing is wrong in my life. In fact, things are very good. I just felt out of sorts, as I tell my barber husband, when I don't have the words. "Out of sorts" to me is when things are okay in life, but you don't sleep well. 

Well, on my rapid road to serenity, (that is hilarious) I rediscovered my love for cooking from scratch and discovered some new things about living very simply. Yes, I did happen to document some of these things that I will share later.

I discovered ways with my barber husband in which we are making a new journey in how we live and we are loving it and I will share those as well as time goes on. It is nothing new, but new to us and that is what makes it exciting. I also realized that there are some things I never shared with you that I do in everyday life that a friend pointed out to me. She was shocked that I never once posted about these things. It just never occurred to me you would even care, but she insisted, so I might post those things as well.

So in the meantime, if you find yourself not as interested in things or needing to be involved as much as you once were in a group of friends, activity, or a community group....don't just automatically brush it off as you no longer "fitting in" or don't just think that you are just burnt out.

No, maybe your mindset is seeking a little serenity from all of the supposed urgency of what you now decided is really not so important after all. Maybe it is time to really pick and choose how your precious time is spent. It is a tough economy, might as well cut back on your time spent and budget it well. :-)

It is so very easy to allow our time to be dictated by what we thought was so urgent, when in reality, we thought our need was to fit in some group.  

I am finding that my needs are changing and I am excited to share with you over time my new adventures. My hope for you is that you find peace and harmony as your needs are met as you see fit.

From my house to your house,

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