You Will Be The First To Know

This is the very bench where Randy and I first met, where he proposed to me, and where I continue to visit and sit in peace. I have been visiting "our" bench quite a bit these last several months...mainly to rest and to think quietly. I realize that most of you know that I just got married, and I promise to tell you all about it and publish lots of photos, but for now, I would like to catch you up on a few personal things in my life. But, I promise, wedding photos are to come soon. For those who can't wait, Debbie, my dear friend of Curious Sofa, has photos and lovely commentary about my wedding and you can visit her blog to get an early peek.

But for now, I just would like to talk to you from my heart.

First, thank you all for the lovely emails, well wishes and concerns. They are greatly appreciated and they mean a lot to me. I wish you all the very best too.

I have always been upfront and personal with my wonderful cyber friends, but I have struggled as to whether to share my personal struggle these last several months. My husband (feels nice to say that) reminded me that my blog isn't just about design and pretty photos. It is also about my personal insight of life. He reminded me that my readers have their own struggles, and writing about mine may comfort others. I thought about what he said and so I decided to share.

As you know, almost a year ago, I got into a horrible car accident. I was hit by a drunk driver, flipped my car twice, and only a light post saved me from going over the bridge down to the highway below. I walked away with no broken bones, not even a broken finger nail. It happened on my birthday, December 11th ,early evening. I did get a very strong hit to the back of my head with a gallon paint can (it was a full can of course) and that bump set off a chain of problems - both physical and emotional.

Since I came out alive, and I felt so lucky, I didn't pay attention to some signs that all was not really okay. I much later discovered that I was in denial about the effects the accident really had on me. I lost a great amount of sleep due to my pain in my arm and I had a headache everyday, all day long, for over two months right after the accident. After that, I have had many headaches that has kept me in bed many times. I was not use to living in chronic pain and I wasn't dealing with it well at all - but I was in denial about that for quite a while.

I wanted to just get back to "normal" and get on with all the plans I had made for 2008! I had just got engaged, I was moving out of my home, putting inventory aside for my Internet store, finishing up my book, plan a wedding, and so on. I had my whole year planned out and I wasn't about to let some accident keep me from my plans.

I won't bore you with any more details, but what I want to share is that several months after the accident, I felt like something was wrong and I didn't feel myself at all. Not really depression. Not really sad...but just not myself. I cried at the drop of the hat, seemed fearful of losing Randy (in an accident), I became fearful and unreasonably worried when he didn't answer his cell phone on his way home from work (I was sure he was killed or in an accident) and finally, I went to get help with these irrational fears.

I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I learned that I really wasn't as "okay" as I thought (or hoped I was). PTSD is a condition that I wouldn't wish on anyone. In my case, I would at times panic and freak out while in the car when I thought a car was driving way too close to me. I once pulled over on the side of the road and called Randy in tears because I had experienced road rage from another driver and I was too scared to drive home. While driving, I would have to really study the white lines on the road to convince myself that the driver next to me isn't too close to me. Many times, while Randy drove, I argued that he was too close to a car, going too fast, or just basically scared him with my gasps as a car pulled out of a driveway. I had always thought him to be an excellent driver up till then.

My counselor explained to me that my short temper was anger that I had for my life being so disrupted and living with the chronic pain. I had horrible nightmares that scared Randy to death as I screamed out for help in my sleep. I was not fun to live with. And I felt like I wasn't the same person anymore. I missed my old self and really wanted her back. My counselor explained that a significant life event always, always changes a person's life and there are no exceptions. None.

A part of me was gone and I had to grieve for her absence and then get to know and accept the new me. And during this process, I had to rest, rest, rest. I disconnected myself from most people, friends and others. I didn't feel like myself and I wasn't sure I even liked my new self. I was very forgetful, and got overwhelmed very easily. I stopped my design work late last spring and have had a few other personal issues that I had to deal with since. I have had over 110 doctor's appointments, physical therapy appointments, counseling and MRI's, X-rays and so on since the accident. I really didn't have the time (due to so many doctor appointments) or energy to be the happy, fun, creative person that I felt that others expected from me. And I didn't want to let others in my life at that time because I was afraid I would disappoint them and their expectations of me.

The blow to my head from the paint can caused some visual issues, headaches, and slight abnormal "spikes" in my brain during several EEG tests. These spikes were never clear as to what was going on except perhaps slight seizures. The doctors feel that I was experiencing post-concussion symptoms. Well, at least that explains why I didn't feel like myself. And the counseling helped in that I no longer felt like I was going crazy, that everything I was going through was a "normal" reaction. My reaction was delayed, as explained to me, because I was in denial and I was so busy feeling grateful to be alive and in one piece. It wasn't until after the holidays and several busy projects did I slow down enough to let it sink in how close I came to losing my life, the pain I was in, and the emotional turmoil of survivor's guilt. Not less than a week after my accident, a friend called to tell me that her young son-in -law-to-be just lost both his parents in a car accident...why did I survive and they didn't? He is to be married soon and neither of his parents will be there. It seems unfair and that feeling of guilt, grieving, anger, and fear are all part of having PTSD. And feeling those emotions just simply made me want to be alone, rest, and not be pulled in so many directions from so many different people.

So, if you have read this posting this far, I would like to reward you with it ending on a very good note and lessons learned. As I stated earlier, my counselor said I would never be quite the same again, and as much as I fought it, she is right. How am I different? Well, to my much dissatisfaction, I can't do as much as I use to and I am slower at getting things done and can really only do one thing at a time now. I don't like this one bit. But as my husband reminds me, most people do only one thing at a time. Another thing I am not too happy about is I sleep a lot more now. By that, I mean, I sleep 8 - 9 hours now, instead of only 4 or 5. Never mind that sleeping 8 hours is healthy, but it cuts into my work time, which means I get much, much less accomplished in one day. I don't like feeling so unproductive.

But, there are other things about the new me that I do enjoy. I no longer allow myself to be pulled like a piece of taffy in so many directions by so many people. I also find myself doing things (or not) that best serve my needs instead of always trying to meet other people's needs, wants, or expectations. That was a very hard thing for me to accept. It felt selfish and self-centered, but with time, I learned that it is a healthier way to live. And finally, one thing I like about my new self, that I really, really hated at first, is I am truly living my life without guilt or apology for not doing "it all". I let myself be convinced that I "should be doing this" or "should be doing that" and if I don't, I will fail others, my talent will be wasted, and I will let others down. I no longer feel guilty about not living up to the expectations of others. The only expectation I hope to meet is what God has planned for me and my life. I hope my life's path is truly the path He wants me on. And what is that path? I will have to wait and see.

So, how am I doing today? Well, I can't remember the last time I have been this happy. (Many photos from my wedding show me laughing and laughing). My headaches are less and less and after several treatments of acupuncture, my arm is so much better!! I have a husband that loves me dearly, good friends who are still my friends, even after my long absence from them, and I have so much to look forward to. I am taking time off from design work for the next couple of months just to rest and to be "happy." And for those of you who are so lovingly curious about what I am going to do next? I can honestly say (guilt-free):

I don't know yet.

But you will be the first to know.

And you know what? That is really okay with me. Writing this post was wonderful therapy for me - just the thing I needed to do...and I have you to thank. I had a very loving and caring friend tell me a while ago that "you are losing your fans if you don't keep up your blog..." The old Elizabeth would have felt very guilty and worried and would have got right to the computer and crank out a post. But the new Elizabeth just replied to her, "I know." And after I thought about what she said, I realized, that I don't write this blog to increase "fans" but rather, I share my photos, my design work, my thoughts, my adventures, and even my struggles with you because I feel a connection with you, my readers, my friends.

And even if there is only one left that still reads my blog and checks it now and again, then that is fine because I feel like I am having a conversation with just only you anyway. :-)

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday...hug your family, eat lots of pie, and take a long nap....and I will talk to "only you" very soon!

From my house to your house,

Elizabeth

"How Interesting!"

Welcome! Around my house, I have quite a few objects that could be considered "conversation starters." Which is ironic because I am not one really needing anything to start a gab fest. In fact, I find that my favorite topic is asking questions about the other person's life and their goings on. Which just now reminds me of a funny little story that I have to share, and I will keep it short....

Many, many years ago, while living in Germany, my ex-husband worked with several colleagues and I encouraged him to invite them to go out with us, as I was always excited about meeting new people. And being only 22 and living in Europe, everything was exciting to me. One evening, a colleague and his wife were to meet us at our apartment and the four of us were to go out to dinner. I have never met this American couple before and after the usual polite greetings we headed out to the car. The woman (I can't even remember her name) seemed "shy" and so I just began asking the usual questions such as: How long have you lived in Germany? Where are you originally from? Have you had the chance to travel anywhere yet? And she responded crisply with one-word answers: "One. Ohio. No."


She didn't look mad, or ill, or uncomfortable. So, in my excitement, I decided that she was indeed "shy." So I set out to make her comfortable during our short drive to the restaurant. I gave her a little info about us and then back to my questions: How did you meet your husband? How long will you be living here in Germany? I am learning to make ceramics, do you create any crafts? She finally shot me a look that could kill and said very sarcastically: "Hey! I got an idea, why don't I just write a book about my life and then you can read all about it."


Okay, I may be a little dense at times, but she made it very clear to me that she was not happy about our little outing. Dinner was uncomfortable to say the least and at age 22, I didn't have the life experience to realize not to take it personally. At that age, I didn't have the compassion to think that she had an issue which had nothing to do with me. I was very offended. If there was ever time I could have used a "conversation starter" it would have been during that painful dinner. I can laugh at it now, because it really was funny when I think about it. I am sure I drove her nuts, and she most likely just had a huge argument with her husband just moments prior to arriving at our apartment. Oh, and just to finish the story...we skipped dessert and I have no idea what happened to them because we never went out again. Moral of this story: Never let anyone keep you from ordering dessert! :-)

Well, back to my real reason for this post. I wanted to give you a little sneak peek at a conversation starter that was extremely popular in the Victorian era. In the August issue of Romantic Homes, I produced an article on Victorian Parlor Domes. My friend, Richard Cottrell, owns about 50 of them! Most of my blog postings are about my women friends, women business owners, and supporting women. But let's not forget about the important men in our lives. I have met and befriended some wonderful business men over the years that were kind, considerate, and so very helpful and encouraging to me and I consider Richard one of them.


Richard owns a beautiful antique store, Antique Center of St. Louis, along with his business partner, Louise Harre.

And if you are ever in the St. Louis area, his store is a must! Beautiful chandeliers, silver, mirrors, furniture. His store is what I like to call "a real antique store" only because he leaves his stuff alone - his items are "pure" where as I paint anything that stands still long enough. Even if pure antiques aren't your thing, you must stop by and see Prissy - his old Basset Hound who can be found (and heard) snoring beneath Richard's desk.






Richard's store always has several domes and I really knew nothing about them. When he explained he has a collection, and after seeing them, I just had to photograph them! Historically, a proper Victorian parlor would always have a dome to which visitors could comment upon and be impressed. "How interesting!" a guest may politely say to the hostess and thus the conversation begins. To read more about these fabulous domes, their history, and to find out which one is Richard's favorite, you will have to go out and get the August issue of Romantic Homes!


I have not seen the August issue at this time of posting my blog, but I will share some of my favorite shots with you. I would like to add that Richard's collection of domes are housed in his historical home in a little town of Clarksville, along the Mississippi river. Yes, the town experienced the flood. Richard's historical home was on the front page of the paper and it showed an eight foot tall wall of sand bags surrounding his entire property. Richard's property is directly across the street from the river. I spoke with Richard today, in fact, and his home survived. The basement flooded and the yard is trashed, but his home, and his treasures, are fine. Richard is also fine, but tired. His town was saved but surrounding towns didn't fare as well. I don't live near the river and my area was never a concern. Our prayers go out to those who are struggling with putting their lives back together.

So, please, enjoy the photos below, read the August issue of Romantic Homes, keep the flood victims in your prayers, hug the special man in your life, and have a safe 4th of July. No matter what struggles we all may have, I wouldn't want to struggle in any other country than our own. How lucky are we to live in a country with so many freedoms? We even have the freedom not to like our own country, if we so choose. But I happen to like it. A lot. And for a lot of reasons. Now that's a conversation starter fit for Independence Day! :-)

From my house to your house,
Elizabeth
www.elizabethhouse.us
Richard's store, Antique Center of St. Louis, 4732 McPherson, St. Louis, MO, phone: 314-367-0588





Below are a couple of "artsy" photos that I took in an unfinished room of Richard's historical home. It was the light that came through the huge window that caught my attention. And of course, I loved the old, cracked walls. I loved this room, but I am afraid Richard will be horrified that I am showing it. Don't worry, Richard, you couldn't have a mess of a room if you tried. Even in a flood. Love you!

Knit Wit

I am finally learning how to knit - sort of.
Actually, the knitting lesson was a Christmas present from my fiance. A gift can tell a lot about the giver and the receiver. My fiance gave me the knitting lessons thinking it would help me to slow down and relax. My gift to him? Rock climbing lessons! I thought it would be cool for us to climb the side of mountains together via lessons at our local rock climbing wall downtown. However, rock climbing is on hold until I am out of pain.

If you have been reading my blog for a bit, you will remember that I was in a serious car accident in December, on my birthday no less. I was hit by a drunk driver and flipped my car. If you missed that post click here to read it, if you wish. I haven't been able to blog as often as I would like to (and I miss it). The past several months have been challenging in many ways and stresses. Chronic pain is one of them. The accident forced me to slow down, whether I liked it or not and whether I learned how to knit or not. So, I decided to learn how to knit.

As I struggle to properly hold the knitting needles, keep the yarn around my fingers, and try not to let my little loops fall off my needles, it occurs to me that knitting is very much like my life lately. There are two general schools of knitting: either English style, known as "throwing" the yarn which is held in the right hand or Continental style, known as "picking" the yarn which is held in the left hand. It doesn't surprise me that I fell into the "picking" style since it requires me to maneuver my yarn in my left hand, even though I am mostly right-handed. Sort of like learning how to knit backwards. And there has been quite of few times that I conducted my life backwards as well.

For example, I married before I went to college. I became a supervisor before I was really ever an employee. I became a stage actress way before I ever took a single acting lesson. I owned my owned boutique having never before worked in a store. And I bought my first home without using a realtor or lawyer. I remember I bought my first plane ticket for Europe before I ever applied for my passport and I moved to Germany before I learned to speak German. I was insistent on learning how to make crepes when I didn't even own a crepe pan. And I made my first (and only) quilt having never picked up a sewing needle. I even once agreed to have "my" apartment photographed for a magazine before I even had the keys in my possession, nor any furniture for it in the first place! Oh what a tangle web we weave. But what a fun web it was!

Well, some would call my life experiences as "leaping before looking." Or maybe just plain nuts. Then there is my favorite, "What is wrong with you???" I think, truth be told, it is a recipe made of excitement mixed with a dash of impatience stirred with adventure. But it can be a recipe for disaster at times as well as a recipe for a very rich life. Looking at my life so far, I would say I have very rich taste - and I ain't on no diet!

But on the other hand, life has a way throwing its own ingredients into the mix and that is when things can get messy - sort of like my ball of yarn right now.

When I find myself holding onto life "to keep it all together", that usually results in my feeling frazzled. And while knitting, I tend to hold and manipulate the yarn too tightly, which causes the yarn to fray and become fuzzy.

I like how this stray "hair" in my knitting demonstrates how deceptive life can become. The loops look fairly neat, orderly, and all in a row...but if you look closely, you see how frazzled the yarn became in my effort to keep all the loops just right.

These loops, which appear lined up in a perfect row, took much, much effort to get that way. The fuzzy yarn shows how much handling, holding, coaxing it took to get them lined up as they should (or at least how I think they should). While the end result is passable, the process was painful. At times, it required me to unravel the entire row and begin again. And at other times, my yarn was in such a mess, I couldn't even unravel it myself. I had to go to my teacher and have her undo my mess while I stood there and watched carefully how she slowly (once again) showed me the method, the technique, and the proper way to hold my needles so that I may accomplish my goal.

The best lesson she gave me though was a reminder: She reminded me that I was a beginner.

Like any good teacher, she encourages and she corrects. She expects mistakes but she also expects me to keep trying. She never chastises nor makes me feel guilty for having my yarn frazzled or knotted up. She is gentle with my yarn, as she patiently untangles my mess, knot by knot, and carefully rolls it all up into one neat ball of yarn again. Then she hands it back to me with a smile and simply says: "Now, try again."


I know of another teacher that is just as loving and patient with me. If only He could teach me to be as gentle with myself as my knitting teacher is with me. Currently, my life is not going as smoothly as I would wish it. But, no matter how knotted up it may get, it is nice to know that I can always try again. And again.

















So, at this time in my life, I am trusting my life teacher to help show me my way. I will try again. And I am going to take the time I need to gently and patiently roll my life up again neatly. Not perfectly. Not quickly. But you can bet it will be very rich.

May the knots in your life untangle easily and know that you can always try again.

And again.

From my house to your house,

Elizabeth